Sunday, July 27, 2008
Can We Be Honest?
Can we be brutally honest? It's very hard to put my personal feelings or anything at all very specific about my life on this blog, because, well....basically anyone can see it, and that makes me a little nervous! I worry that if I reveal too much about my children, something lousy will happen (there are demented people out there, I know it). I worry that if I reveal too much of myself, people will think I'm a bit crazy....(OK, more people than those that already know I'm a tad anal).
But for right now, I'm going to be brutally honest....I'm in over my head with the details of life right now. I have done it again, and tried to please everyone with doing everything that's expected of me. Is this smart - definitely not. Is it adding to my happiness, apparently not, as I'm typing this with tears in my eyes. Is it adding to my interactions with my family, no sirree. Definitely not. They are seeing way less of me, and when they see me, let's just say, they don't get "the best ME" that there is. Shameful, I know.
In my haste to please everyone, I am doing the following this week.....
1. Play practice every night from 6:30pm until ? Performances on Friday and Saturday night (probably at least 2.5 hours with intermission).
2. Work - 40 hours (although they are potentially giving me off tomorrow for lack of work - very unusual, but I'm taking it as a sign from above).
3. Normal everyday life like laundry, and cooking.
4. Major trip to Boston Children's Hospital for yearly check-up (although our first to Boston) for my eldest daughter. It's a BIG deal. We used to go to St. Jude Children's Hospital, and that's a long story. We have transferred our care to Boston, not at our own choice, but thankfully, someone is willing to oversee her rare disease.
5. An annual work review this past Friday by my supervisor, who had never seen my work as a nurse before (it's kinda hard to take her along with you on visits in patient's homes). She accompanied me to a visit that lasted 1.5 hours in the patient's home. This time doesn't include charting, which she will be reviewing after it's complete (which is pretty much is).
I think this may be it, but I'm sure I'm forgetting something. Oh, yeah....hey the house that we bid on recently fell through (only we bid on houses in a recession). They turned down our offer over three weeks ago....but the Real Estate agent called again today, and will be calling tomorrow. Apparently, the house isn't sold. I'm not sure how to feel about this with all of the other things on my plate.
And to this I ask you, WHY, WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? I'm a sheer wreck (mostly for the silly play, which is fun at rehearsal time, but is striking mere panic through me at the thought of a live performance). Didn't I know there would be live performances when I signed up - of course I did. I wanted to raise of awareness of live theatre in our small community. It's just not the best time to be doing it. But can I leave them high and dry with a week to go - NOPE. So I will do it, and I will enjoy it. I've got to put a positive spin on this for my emotional health.
The trip to Boston? We are at the mercy of the doctors. It was scheduled after the commitment to the play was made. BUT, again on a positive note - Morticcia has dangled an oasis of comfort. More later about that.
Work - I like my job. I hope that the slowness doesn't mean lack of job security. Last week, I was unbelievably busy, so I doubt it. There is one thing you can count on in health care. People get sick. That's a horrible bottom line, but there it is. I only hope that I'm an asset to their organization, and that somehow, my meager offerings as a nurse will make a difference in people's lives, one by one. Very Hallmarky, but terribly true.
The whole new house thing - I'm putting that off until after Boston - I just can't comprehend it now. I've resigned myself that if it's meant to be, it will be. And if it's not, well then God has something better in mind. I'll keep you posted.
God....I don't share a lot about my faith on my blog posts. This causes me severe angst at times. Mostly because I don't feel worthy to be sharing, as I'm pretty imperfect myself. But I can say this. It's not going to be my sheer power and force alone that will get me through this next week and a half. I will be relying on my family, my friends (you all included), and my God, whose grace is sufficient for even paranoid and worried little me. If you get a moment this week....keep us in your thoughts....
And how about a little knitting to close? The two pics attached to this post are of the log cabin squares for my wall hanging. I think I have 9 or 10 finished, and I need 20. There's some progress!
And this yarn....it's amazing. I'm knitting a sweater for myself for our trip to Vermont this fall. I had better get cracking!
And that blue vest? What blue vest? I think it's hangin' with the frogs or about to take a dip in the frog pond! :)
Have a Happy Week!