Sunday, April 6, 2008

The Perfectionist In Me

I am a perfectionist about most things. Most obviously my work. There's no room for mistakes in the medical field. There's double, triple, sometimes quadruple checking going on all the time. Is it the right medicine? Is it the right dose? Etc. My charting - is everything complete? I don't lock my computer charting until the day after....just in case I think of something I forgot to add at say, midnight. I have woken up from a dead sleep thinking, "I forgot to chart that he's not having pain today." Or something like that.....Did I push 5mg or 25mg of that cardiac med....I know I pushed 5mg, but it makes me wake up out of a dead sleep with worry/fear. I'm hard on myself that way.
I am a perfectionist with my music. I hate playing for anything other than my own enjoyment anymore. I get too nervous. I fear the mistakes that will come with my nervous tendencies. Somehow, my nervous tendencies used to work in my favor when I was younger.....they would float away as I began the piano concerto. Now, my fingers don't move as fluidly as they should when I play in public. My fear locks them in place. It's sad that I can't share it more with others. I truly love to play the piano, and not a day goes by that I don't play for my own enjoyment.
So you're probably wondering how this perfectionism is leading up to anything involving fiber or knitting. I would be too. Thanks for hanging in there. I made a little boo-boo on the Clapotis last night, on the end of the 4th increase rows. I tried to fix it on the next row, but it appears to have left a small hole (smaller than a yarn-over whole) at the edge. The perfectionist in me (who is mad because she cannot fix this mistake) wants to rip the whole thing out and start again. The realist in me is like - keep moving, nobody will even notice. BUT I WILL KNOW IT'S THERE! What to do, what to do???? Can I live with a mistake in this knitting - it's made with Wollmeise FPS! I love the Wollmeise. It's so beautiful. Somebody weigh in on this matter please! What do you do if you can't fix the mistake, or don't want to bother? Are you a perfectionist? How do you handle that? Sometimes I can't stand the perfectionist in me....

And the "on-call" status - here's a picture of the beeper and me. I'm trying to establish a relationship with it. So far, we have not made it past the love-hate stages. It rode my hip all night long, because, heaven forbid, I would put it down, and then panic. "Where's the beeper? I know I just had it in my hands." So, I'm being a good know, wearing it everywhere (DH was in State College taking in Breaking Benjamin and Seether), and the girls were at Mom's house for an overnight stay, in case I got called to a patient's home. I stared at it all night long. The wind howled outside my windows, shaking the depression glass on my quilt shelf, making the first "on-call" night even more terrifying. I looked at the beeper. I stared it down, it stared back at me. I dared it to beep, to just get it over with. Go ahead beeper, ring your little tones. Make me drive somewhere, just to get the whole "first time out at night thing" DONE. 9:20pm, the phone rings, it's the hospital operator. My heart rate accelerates. She's been trying to beep me, but I'm not responding. Hmmm.....she has the wrong beeper number, so I made her try out the the beeper who has become this growth on my hip. It works. She has the right number now. And BTW, here's a lab result. No problem. I can handle that. And then, the beeper looked at me. I looked at it. I put it on top of my alarm clock, and somewhere after midnight (and DH is home now from the concert), I fall into a fitful sleep. 5:00am - the alarm goes off, and I jump, alas, it's only the alarm. The first night is done. No more beeps. But, I'm sure, the next night, I will not fair so well. At least it's over for this week. I can conquer this, this beeper fear, even with my perfectionist tendencies!

PS - my stomach is not as large as it appears in the picture. The one thing I don't have is a stomach. Now, hips, I am extremely blessed. Just wanted to clarify.....for the record, you know. :) Also, for the record, it's extremely hard to take a picture of your own body or body part. Any of them. I know, I've tried it several times!


KnittingMoose said...

First off...regarding the beeper and the night of being on-call, I can't imagine doing that. I admire you for doing so! I would be terrified too, thinking similar things as you.

And about the perfectionist knitting...ah, well, it seems we have a lot in common so I am perhaps not the one to offer any suggestions. I had a booboo on my lacy scarf and at first I tried to put it out of my mind and move on, and I did for a few inches more. But then it bothered me so much I had to go back, and by then I didn't care that I had to redo a bunch of it, I just felt better for fixing it. It's like getting a splinter out...I don't care if it hurts, as long as it's gone, and then it can heal cleanly!

Nittany Knits said...

I have found that my perfectionism gets kicked to the curb ocassionally by telling myself that it is a design feature that no other garment will have. Many will have the Clap, but none just like yours.

Then again, depending on the hole, I might have to rip it out. Tough call! I'd rather have beeper issues than have to decide this one.

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers :-)

Nell said...

I'm glad you made it through beeper night one. I'm sure it'll get better!

As for the perfectionist knitting, my rule is if it bothers you, fix it. It's a better option than not wearing the garment.

Morticcia said...

I'm probably too late, but I'm with everyone else, if it bothers you it is worth it to rip.

If you don't you'll just be knitting all of your regret into the garment and that does no knitter any good.